But what is a heavier burden are the things we know we could have done, or should have done. Or the better person we know ourselves to be, but only deep inside.
This entry was spurred in thought by a blog of John Mendelssohn's
Mendel Illness. http://johnmendelssohn.blogspot.com/2014/12/my-day-of-atonement.html
At least John's sucker punch to a classmate for a past childish offense had root in some wayward reasoning of a young boy. My transgression had none.
Around the same age, about 9, I became best friends with the toughest girl in school, Jade Mansfield. Small for her age, she had a mouth like a sailor and divorced parents. A new thing among my contemporaries. We played basketball, baseball, and football with the boys, establishing our own club of two. TBA. Tomboys of America.
One day, in the outdoor halls of our California school, maybe after school when kids just roamed free, we encountered a boy smaller than ourselves. Jade began to berate him, teasing and bullying him. She hit him.
I hit and kicked him too.
I do not remember what happened or what he did after that point. What I remember is the remorse I felt that evening. What I remember is, from that point on, for years, I prayed in my childish way that he would have a better life than me. That life would be perfect for him.
I never saw him again. I don't know his name. That one event affected me so profoundly that I vowed to be a better person.
Jade and I never discussed it, but at some point when we were 10, I realized how vehemently Jade stood up for the underdog, the bullied child in any given situation on the playground.
Jade went on to join the air force. Jade went on to become a lawyer.
When my mother passed away in the 90's, I was surprised that Jade's mother reached out to me and contacted me through my business. I was touched. It had been years, but she told me Jade thought about me as much as I thought about her.
About a year later, Jade died in what I believe was a white-river rafting expedition.
I meant to reach out to her mom.
I never got around to it.
I was "too busy" in my Silicon Valley business.
Jade's mom is gone now too. I cannot change this.
I tell this little story of bullying a boy in a hallway, who I had never met, who I will never know, to children I tutor. I mostly cannot do it without crying.
*http://johnmendelssohn.blogspot.com/2014/12/my-day-of-atonement.html
At least John's sucker punch to a classmate for a past childish offense had root in some wayward reasoning of a young boy. My transgression had none.
Around the same age, about 9, I became best friends with the toughest girl in school, Jade Mansfield. Small for her age, she had a mouth like a sailor and divorced parents. A new thing among my contemporaries. We played basketball, baseball, and football with the boys, establishing our own club of two. TBA. Tomboys of America.
One day, in the outdoor halls of our California school, maybe after school when kids just roamed free, we encountered a boy smaller than ourselves. Jade began to berate him, teasing and bullying him. She hit him.
I hit and kicked him too.
I do not remember what happened or what he did after that point. What I remember is the remorse I felt that evening. What I remember is, from that point on, for years, I prayed in my childish way that he would have a better life than me. That life would be perfect for him.
I never saw him again. I don't know his name. That one event affected me so profoundly that I vowed to be a better person.
Jade and I never discussed it, but at some point when we were 10, I realized how vehemently Jade stood up for the underdog, the bullied child in any given situation on the playground.
Jade went on to join the air force. Jade went on to become a lawyer.
When my mother passed away in the 90's, I was surprised that Jade's mother reached out to me and contacted me through my business. I was touched. It had been years, but she told me Jade thought about me as much as I thought about her.
About a year later, Jade died in what I believe was a white-river rafting expedition.
I meant to reach out to her mom.
I never got around to it.
I was "too busy" in my Silicon Valley business.
Jade's mom is gone now too. I cannot change this.
I tell this little story of bullying a boy in a hallway, who I had never met, who I will never know, to children I tutor. I mostly cannot do it without crying.
*http://johnmendelssohn.blogspot.com/2014/12/my-day-of-atonement.html
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